Everything Rhymes with Purple: CATS, PART I

I’m a crazy cat lady.

One of my favorite subjects to discuss (that also makes a great ice-breaker if you’re among other animal-lovers) is my pets. I think one of the reasons I love animals so much is because there was always at least one pet in the house when I was growing up. Usually, this was a cat—we’ve always had cats, so I’ve developed an innate fondness for them. In fact, my house is the one people bring stray cats to (whether we want it or not), because my mom and I can never deny a kitty. I used to pretend to be a cat when I was a child (this mainly involved laying on the back of the couch and licking my hands while purring; don’t judge me, I was 3).

Very rarely, we’ve had dogs. My mother is not a dog person by any means, and the ownerships ended sadly. Our Huskie ran away, and my miniature Collie had to be given away because we could no longer keep her. Don’t get me wrong, I also love dogs (I consider my fiancé's dogs my dogs), but I'm definitely more of a cat person.

I love how cats retain some wild characteristics in them (dogs are arguably completely domesticated), and I love the distinct personality of every cat I’ve ever had. Cats are likewise drawn to me… I’ve been called “the cat whisperer,” and I once accidentally brought a stray cat to a house party because it wouldn’t stop following me (for blocks and blocks and blocks, even across busy streets).

Today, we have 3 cats, 2 snakes, 1 ferret, and 2 betta fish. The snakes belong to my mother and brother, and the ferret belongs to my brother as well. Before I left for college, I used to keep pet rats (now I only have a fish).

Be prepared, because I’m about to blabber about my cats.

However, I promise you that they are indeed entertaining, and I’m not just a crazy cat lady with delusions of having awesome cats.

THE CAT TRIO

Jewel (the Badass): Jewel is the oldest (about eight years), and used to be my grandma’s before she passed away. We’ve had her about a year now. She’s a long-haired, silver point Siamese (AKA: she’s got silver colors instead of black). She is also the softest cat I have ever felt in my life, like chinchilla-esque.

Jewel is the badass of the group, probably because she is (the only) female and that’s how cats roll. She’s the only cat of ours I feel could handle herself outside, but she has no interest in going the outdoors. She doesn’t like other cats, especially the derp cat, because he tries to play with her and she won’t have it at all. However, she loves people and is often protective. But, like most cats, she can turn and maul you at any moment.

Lightning (the Lazy): If Lightning was human, I’m pretty sure he’d speak entirely in snarky comments. Lightning is about seven years old and was my 12^th birthday present. He’s a longhair Siamese and Ragdoll mix, as well as derp cat’s father.

Lightning is… lazy. A lot. He sleeps all day, every day. He also watches TV, and has a specific spot on the back of the couch. If you sit in front of him, he will take his paws on either side of your head and move your head from in front of the TV. He has the softest meow and is the quietest of my cats (probably because he’s too damn lazy to put effort into his meow). He also likes to claw the shit out of knees when he lays on your lap and will bite your hand if you stop petting him. Basically, he’s the slightly grumpy old man cat of the group (but he can be quite affectionate). He’s also the smartest, which makes me wonder how his son is so derp. Also, he’s allergic to fleas.

Frost (the DERP): Frost is almost two years old, and the son of Lightning and my dad’s cat Paris. He’s a Ragdoll/longhair Siamese/Tabby mix, but looks and acts just like a Ragdoll. He is probably the stupidest cat I have ever owned and, therefore, is the most entertaining.

(if you don't know what "derp" means, you lose the internet, but it's basically a way to say "duh" and signifies unimportant dialogue or stupidity)

I love derp cat. His other nickname is “SQUIRREL!” because he has a shorter attention span than a goldfish. We’ll be all, “Frost, don’t do that,” and he’ll understand for about 4 seconds, then turn around and do it again. He likes to run into walls, and his favorite mode of transportation is "swimming" across the carpet (basically, laying on his side and using his claws to pull himself across the carpet). Also, derp cat has “puppy dog eyes” and is ridiculously cute, so no matter what he does, he is innocent. He also goes through periods of extreme separation anxiety where he will proceed to follow you from room to room while yowling. After I left for college, my mom claims he was depressed for a while… then he forgot who I was.

Derp cat is my favorite to talk about because of all his quirks. He wants nothing more than to go outside. In my neighborhood, it’s really not the best idea to let indoor cats go outside (we live beside a busy road for my small town). He will wait by the door, staring at birds with a unfathomable longing.

Then give us those damn eyes.

We never let our cats out on purpose but our cats rarely listen, so they’ll wait for a door that’s open just a second too long and bolt. Lightning likes to eat grass then sit on the porch in the sun until he begs to come back in.

However, derp cat is a special case.

HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN HE GOES OUTSIDE.

What kind of cat doesn’t know what to do outside? He will hide underneath the porch and not come out for days. When he does move, it’s to another porch. He doesn’t hunt or eat anything… he just sits there. Under the porch. I have no idea what he’s thinking. It's very difficult to catch him because our porch is large, so by the time we are about to reach him, he's moved to another porch.