I LOSE EVERYTHING

Today I spent some time with my dad (biological dad, that is). Every now and then he'll come get me and we'll go on an adventure. Today involved Pizzazio's Pizza and Kmart shopping. My dad then left his keys in Kmart so we had to hunt for those. My dad is one of those people that loses EVERYTHING, and I swear it's genetic because I lose everything, too.
During school, my roommate Teagan always teased me because, not only do I lose everything, I have serious paranoia over the things I lose.
A normal person: "Aw, I lost something again. Better be rational and backtrack my steps."
ME: "OHMYJUMPINGJESUS SOMEONE BROKE INTO THE ROOM AND STOLE MY HAIRBRUSH/PILLOW PET/BOBBY PIN/SHAMPOO/SNAIL!!" 
And then, for some reason, it ALWAYS ENDS UP IN MY BED (no innuendo intended). 95% of the things I lose are in my bed or in my moon chair. Yeah, I dunno.

This paranoia mixed with an inability to admit when I have lost something is usually pretty damn funny, so I have great stories. One of the best and most ridiculous is the tale of the blue dolphin thief.

By blue dolphin, I mean those clear plastic dolphins that people often hang from rearview mirrors:

My very first car was a rust bucket of a truck. Seriously, the truck (a 1988 Chevy S-10, to be exact) had more rust than metal, and parts often fell off when I went over railroad tracks. I was desperate for a vehicle and it was cheap. What happened to that truck (named Teh Bukkit) is also a great story, but I'll save it for another time.

The previous owner had one of these awesome dolphins in his glove compartment. When I upgraded (barely) a few months later to a Buick, I kept the dolphin. He swung freely and happily from my rearview mirror for months.

ENTER: THE THEFT
One of the most awkward things in the world is making eye contact with old people at red lights. Generally, old people dig me, but occasionally I get the "disapproving" look. 
On this average day a year and a half or so ago, I happen to be at a red light when an elderly-driven (male) car with an elderly passenger (female) drove up next to me. I was in the normal lane and they were in the turning lane.
In general, the music in my car is pretty loud. This gets me in trouble sometimes (more stories for other times).
I tapped my thumb on the steering wheel, looking at my dolphin swing back and forth as I often do when I'm waiting.
Suddenly, our eyes met. Her face slowly curled into a rather disapproving look at the noise, while I noticed that she had the same dolphin hanging from her rearview mirror.

 AN ARTIST'S RENDITION ON MS PAINT.


After looking at her dolphin, I turned back to my rearview mirror to see mine.

IT. WAS. GONE.

My gut reaction: Logically, this meant that the dolphin that had been hanging from my rearview mirror was THE SAME ONE HANGING ON HERS. THAT OLD BEOTCH STOLE MY DOLPHIN!! RIGHT HERE, BY SOME FORCE OF TELEKINESIS OR BLACK MAGIC, SHE SNATCHED IT RIGHT OUT OF MY CAR!! She was obviously trying to send a message to today's youth: "Turn down your music or I'll steal... your plastic car ornaments! BAHAHA!" I was pissed. I was seriously going to start bitching, but the car sped off. 

After the initial anger wore off, I realized it made no sense. The lady wasn't that fast; it had only been a split second in between looking at mine then hers. Had some rogue stranger snatched it while I waited, oblivious as I stared at the lady? Why would someone steal my dolphin anyway?! Was there a crazy dolphin stealer on the loose?!?! Did I have a stalker taking items from me to build a shrine?!?! (Hey! Arnold style, of course).

The whole 20-minute drive home I contemplated: What was this madness?! I wondered if I was going crazy, and I mourned my dolphin. I left my car with a heavy heart and a sad glance. I could never look back.

 ME WITH A GIANT HEAD, MOURNING MY DOLPHIN.

It never occured to me that in that split second, the string holding my dolphin to the rearview mirror snapped.



The next day I found it under my passenger seat while looking for quarters.




P.S.: I really do say things like "ohmyjumpingjesus."